vshayes

FIVE SMART-ASS WINNING ANSWERS
The 5 winning smart ass answers of all time:

* Smart Ass Answer #5: *
* A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. *
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." *


* Smart Ass Answer #4: *
*
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" *
* The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." *
*
* Smar t Ass Answer #3: *
* * The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. *
* The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could" *
* When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. *

* Smart Ass Answer #2: *
* A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" *
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." *
*
* *
* AND THE #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF ALL TIME......... *
* *
* A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. *
* "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" *
* A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" *
* The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. *
* *
* When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."*
* I would like to add my own nominee!*
* *
*My Uncle Ray, working at Home Depot was approached by a rather confused looking woman. He asked if he could help her. She asked "Do you have little wooden balls?" To which Ray replied, "Who do I look like? Pinnochio?" His career at Home Depot ended that day!*
* *

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Haus

OMG those are so hilarious :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl

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IntruderLS1

LOL that's awsome. Well done!!

:lol :lol

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gillius28

WOW! Where were these from? My teacher said that exact same thing to a class at my school last year!! Either this was from her, or she's not being origonal.

Turp

#2 is a Bill Engvalism.

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AtlanticBlue99

hahaha hohoho hehehe

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"Smokey Mountains"

pepetorrentes

Might I add one:
A cop stopped someone and the following conversation went on:
Cop: "Sir, please step out of your car".
Driver: "Why?"
C: "Cause I can smell alcohol in your breath"
D: "And?"
C: "Well, that means you're drunk!"
D: "No it doesn't!"
C: "Why would you say that you're not drunk if your breath smells like alcohol?"
D: " Cause my as* smells like sh*t and that doesn't mean I crapped myself!!!!!"
After the cop stopped laughing, he let the driver go...
true story from a friend.
Later

mettlekettle

Some of them are quite funny, so i shall add my own.

A friend of my brother's had just landed in Australia for a brief holiday and was passing through customs. The customs officer stopped him and asked him some questions about his visit to Australia. After about 5 minutes of stupid pointless questions he says "Do you have a criminal record sir?", at which point my brothers friend looks at him and replies

"I'm sorry, i didn't realise you still needed one to get in"

He was VERY thoroughly searched by the customs officer for that one...

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Its not the winning, its the not entering that counts

artisan00

hehe, thats a good one

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OUZBnd

I like when you call someone, or when someone calls you and says

"May I ask whom I am speaking with" and of course being a smart ass, I reply with "yes you may"

I know, its not that good, but i get a kick out of it.

Haus

im not that quick when it comes to saying smart ass remarks but sometimes i want to say something every time i order a cheese steak and the counter person asks if i want cheese on that. sometimes i have a mean streak and want to say uh yeah you dumb ass. but i try to be nice and just smile.

but i remember when i was younger i worked at this gas station and this is when i smoked alot of cigs and i smoked next to the pump while doing a full serve and the lady asked me if i planned on blowing us up and with out hesitation i said "no i plan on you blowing me" i was a really mean kid.

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Haus

im like that when i call someone and they say "can i ask whos calling" and i say "i dont know, can you"

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emilyb49

One time I was in Sam's Club with my mom and stepdad. There was an older lady employee giving out samples of meatballs. They were pretty good, and my stepdad asked what they were again (as in the brand) and in the cockiest old lady voice ever, she said, "They're meatballs!"

Or for a while, Burger King would ask how many ketchup packets you want with your meal, we'd always ask for like 15 1/2.

My boyfriend used to kid around and say something about '24 blowjobs' in a British accent. Well one time we were in McDonald's drive-thru and they asked if we wanted anything else and my boyf said, "Yes, I'd like 24 blow jobs please". The girl said she gets her break in an hour.

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It's not that you pick your nose, it's where you wipe the boogie.

baby

I know these aren't smart ass answers, but I think they are the funniest stories I've ever heard! This is an extract from a forward email I was sent:



NIGHTMARE #1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled
over,

pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for
his
lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at
hand.
"There

might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He
opened

the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of
matches
sitting

neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
naturally,

the

guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired

nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your
boyfriend

then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling
away
at
his


ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered
guy.
Calmly,

the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."



NIGHTMARE #2


The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was
trying
to

think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from
work,
and

found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself,
"what

should I

do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers
and
go
down

on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan
in
pleasure.

After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as
she

climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to
brush
his

teeth.
When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife

there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you
doing in

here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed,
"You'll
wake
your


mother"



NIGHTMARE #3

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are
about
to

kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy
starts
feeling

a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans
with his
hand

against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey,
would
you

give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you
mad?
My

parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna
see us at this

hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you
imagine
if

we


get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around,
they're all

sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please,
please, I

love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too,
but I
just

can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the
light
on
the

stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her
pajamas,
hair

disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says
to go
ahead


and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be,
mom
says

she can come down
herself and do it But for God's sake tell him
to

take his hand off the intercom!"

AmoRaL

:funnah lmfao hilarious :funnah

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