Dana

Is Gods way of saying "screw you.... hahaha"

So i called to get a referal from my doctor so I can get my back checked out by a chiropracter and i hafta wait for them to call my ass back because nobody was there. I guess they all leave at once for lunch time or something. I hate leaving messages to places like this.

Gotta love getting all the way through an automated message to get a fucking voice mail.......

__________________

Temperamental

haha! jk
I hate calling the doctor or any place that has automated messages. So annyoing!

__________________

Dana

It would have been nice if the first time I heard they were closed. I called once and the automated menu never said they were closed. I called again and I got "I'm sorry we're closed... If this is a life threatening emergency please call 911". Fucking POS'.

__________________

debbie t

you should live here dana ,if you can speak to a human its some bloke in mumbai india

Dana

Ugh i hate when you get like billing or tech lines with ppl that hardly speak English because they're in Hooblaboobla Taiwan or some shit.

__________________

Temperamental

This will make you feel better.

Funny Answering Machine Messages

1. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
2. (Darth Vader voice Speak, worm!
3. (Drawling granny voice)Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
4. You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
5. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
6. Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
7. (Very fast) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
8. (In a bored voice) Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
9. Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
10. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
11. Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
12. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
13. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
14. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
15. Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...
16. Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
17. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
18. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
19. Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
20. We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
21. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.
22. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
23. I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.
24. (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.
25. Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.
26. (Drunken voice) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!
27. I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.
28. Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?
29. (Star Trek theme in the background) (Voice 1) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2)These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
30. Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
31. You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.
32. This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
33. So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
34. Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
35. Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.) Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
36. These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.
37. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
38. Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!
39. C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!
40. [VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
41. The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
42. Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!
43. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
44. [Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
45. Twinkle, Twinkle little star,

1. bet your wondering where we are?
   Well, put your mouth up to the phone
   And leave us a message for when we get home.
   And if you can make your message rhyme,
   We'll call you back in half the time!!!!!
2. (Kim Possible Music) Call me, beep me, If you wana reach me!

Funny Answering Machine Messages

__________________

Natasha

Off topic, I guess, but my Chiropractor is my favorite person in the whole world!!!

__________________

TheOriginalJames

It helps when you know your way through the automated systems like I do.

I set up a clients VM (which was a Doctors office), to go into VM which acts as an automated system, and then they have to press 1-6 to speak/leave a message with someone.

When I called in, I just started hitting extension numbers until I got through to Jeff. He was confused on how his phone was ringing. bwhaa

__________________

Dana

I don't have a personal chiropractor. Ive never had trouble with my back before; by God I'm 27 goin on 28, I shouldn't have these problems. I think i fucked up scrubbing my floor last week. I had to call my dads Chiropractor. I have to call them again when my doctors office is open so I can get a referral from them.

__________________

Natasha

I screwed my back up in college and I've had some problems ever since. The last time I really did a number on it was when I finally decided to try a Chiropractor. I will NEVER put off going to the Chiropractor again.

__________________

Dana

Holy fuck... trying to get approval for this Chiropractor visit is like pulling teeth...

__________________

Dana

What a crock of shit... I need to get a fucking regular check up because i haven't had one since 2005 just to get a referral for a Chiropractic visit? Good thing I have insurance. This is a bunch of shit!

__________________