Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah,no,wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!


DOUGAL- God Ted, it's like a big tide of jam commin towards us, except its a big jam made out of old women.


POLICEMAN- It's a straight choice father. Either they pay the 200 pound fine, or it's a night in the cells
TED- Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on them, and under the circumstances, I think a night cells might be a better option
POLICEMAN- (Nods his head)
DOUGAL- Ted....
TED- Shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- No Ted....
TED- I told you to shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- I was just going to say that....
TED- Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money) Here's your blood money.But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when the police of this country were friends of the church! Drink driving charges quashed, parking tickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned to the odd murder! But now!(Turns to Dougal) And you! (Mocking Dougal) Ted Ted why don't you give him the 200 pounds you won on the bet! Well i did! Are you happy? Once again, you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of many people. Thank you so much.
DOUGAL- Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, i forgot you had the money. I was just going to say that your that your fly is open.


DOUGAL- Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Chicken Curry, Pilau Rice and a Can of Fanta thanks.
POLICEMAN- Do you know where you are? Your in a police station.
DOUGAL- Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken.

JACK- NUN! AHHHH!!!! (Jack then runs through the window)
TED- He's just gone for his morning walk.

DOUGAL- I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
TED- And how are we going to do that?
DOUGAL- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and......oh.
TED- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
DOUGAL- Damn. So near, yet so far.

DOUGAL- Look, this tables so dirty I can write my name in it
TED- There's a 'G' in Dougal
DOUGAL- Where?

TED- So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.

Fr. Stack: While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.

Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: We're in Ireland's largest lingerie department
Dougal: No. I mean in general.

Fr. Stack: You're sittin' there, watching those young boys in shorts. With a big smile on your face. Ye daerty feckers.


Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older!


Father Fitzpatrick: You left the cyanide capsules next to the Valium, you old fool. That's just asking for trouble!


Ted : And what do you think is behind tomorrows window Fr. Jack ?
Jack: A pair of Feckin womens Knickers!
Ted : Yes.
Jack: Knickers.
Ted : I think I'll just stop talking to Fr. Jack now.

Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?

Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.



Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.

Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!

Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!

Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!

Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.